this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
