Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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