I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
