dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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