he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
