On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
