make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
