There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
