...so i touched it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
