i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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