Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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