it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize