What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
