trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
