Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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