so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
