I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
