so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
