You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
