My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
