I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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