He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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