Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
