Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
