the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
