Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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