worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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