Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
