ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
