yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The beer is more important than you right now.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
