you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
