i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
