When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
