my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
