So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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