Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
