i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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