So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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