speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
