i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
