Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
