You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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