we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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