We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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