Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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