I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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