True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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