I met the friendliest cop last night
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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