i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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