im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I could fuck to npr.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
