I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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