Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
