She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
