So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Even my vagina gasped.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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