Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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