3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
