i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
