my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
