Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
