I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
