I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize