My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
