this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
