That's intense
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
